Fresh Start Divorce Recovery

Children and Divorce – Typical Child Reactions to Divorce

Adapted from the book Your Kids and Divorce.

by Tom Whiteman

Bobby was sound asleep when his mother shook him awake. “Get up, Bobby! Grab your blankie and teddy bear. We’re going bye-bye.”

The boy, who was only five years old, quickly grabbed his things as his mother whisked him away in the middle of the night. He remembered very little about that night beyond that point, as he drifted in and out of sleep. His mother took him downstairs, loaded him into a car full of family belongings, and drove off to Bobby’s grandmother’s house at the other end of town.

As Bobby woke up the following morning and saw that he was at his grandmother’s, he realized that he hadn’t been dreaming about the night before. He was glad to be at his Grandmom’s but was a little confused as to why they left so abruptly.

Bobby asked his mother all kinds of questions as they sat around the breakfast table. “Where is Daddy? What are we going to do today? When are we going home?”

His mother’s evasiveness and tendency to change the subject only caused Bobby to be more confused and curious.

Later that same day as Bobby was being put to bed in his grandmother’s spare room, he once again asked his mother, “Where’s Daddy?” and “When are we going home?”

His mother looked down at the floor and said, “I don’t know where Daddy is and I don’t know when we’re going home.”

Bobby, who was pretty smart for his age, was now very confused. He knew that there was something wrong. Mom was acting funny. Grandmom and Grandpop were acting differently, and this wasn’t like the typical visit to Grandmom’s house. Daddy wasn’t with them.

He soon began to wonder, Did I do something wrong? I wonder if Mom or Dad is mad at me? Well, he reasoned, at least I haven’t been yelled at or punished, so maybe everything will be okay tomorrow.

The days came and went with some days seeming almost normal. But most days Bobby wondered, What is going on with my family, and why isn’t Daddy around? The more he asked questions, the more his grandparents and his mother seemed to avoid giving answers.

Then one day, after more days than Bobby could count (several months), his mother came to him and said, “Bobby, sit down. We need to talk.” Mom began to explain that she and Daddy were not going to live together anymore. She talked about their fighting, about their not being in love anymore, but Bobby going to live together. Oh, he liked his grandparents all right, and he liked living there with his mother, but he didn’t understand why he, Mom, and Dad couldn’t live together again in their old house.

He had lots of questions but didn’t know how to ask them. So Bobby only nodded his head and ran off to play. He still wondered what was going to happen to him.

His mother, on the other hand, thought that things had gone really well. She had avoided saying anything to Bobby up until that point because she didn’t want to hurt him. Besides, for a long time she wasn’t sure whether her separation from her husband was going to be permanent. But after almost three months at Grandmom’s house, Bobby’s mom had come to the decision that she was going to seek a divorce. The hardest part for her was telling Bobby, but once she made up her mind, she knew it had to be done.

When Bobby didn’t object, cry, or show any traumatic reaction to this difficult news, Bobby’s mom assumed that he had taken it fairly well. She had no idea what was going on inside the mind of her child.

As the months passed, Bobby’s mother became more and more preoccupied with her own problems. She had reestablished contact with her husband, most of which was unpleasant. They were discussing lawyers, finances, custody arrangements, and settlements, which all brought about increased stress. One bright spot, however, was the observation that Bobby seemed to be fine. He had found new friends in his new neighborhood, and he seemed perfectly content with the new living arrangement.

Therefore Bobby’s needs and his adjustment became secondary to questions such as: Where are we going to live? How can I support a household as a single parent? Will I ever be happy again? Despite the stress of these issues, Bobby’s mother always consoled herself with the thought, At least Bobby is doing okay.

That consolation didn’t last very long. Bobby’s mother had just worked through an arrangement where Bobby could visit his dad on alternating weekends, when things began to change.

Bobby was excited when is mom first told him about the visit to his dad’s. However, within hours after that, he began to behave differently. At first Bobby acted very short and cold toward his mom. She just thought, Well, he must have a lot on his mind. But soon this distance turned into overt anger, displayed as temper tantrums, talking tack, and refusing to carry out even the simplest responsibility. As Bobby began is regular visits with his dad, things got worse. It seemed as though each time Bobby returned from a visit with his father, he demonstrated even more anger toward his mom.

In school Bobby was performing well in first grade. However, as visitation with his dad progressed, his grades began to slip. At a subsequent parent-teacher conference, Bobby’s mother was surprised to learn that her son was showing signs of anger in school – fighting in the school yard, picking on other kids, and displaying a generally bad attitude toward school.

For Bobby’s mom, this was the last straw. She decided to send him to the school guidance counselor so that she could gain some new insights into Bobby’s problem. She assumed that his problems had something to do with his father, since she hadn’t any trouble with him before the weekend visits began.

A few months went by along with several visits to the counselor, and Bobby began to show slow, general improvement in his behavior. His temper tantrums lessened, and the school reported fewer problems. His grades, however, were still low. He was described as being very distracted.

The counselor reported that Bobby was opening up in the sessions and sharing his concerns over his parents’ breakup. The visits to Dad were not the cause of his problems, the counselor reported, but rather the insecurity Bobby felt when he went back and forth between the two homes.

A year after the breakup of Bobby’s family, he was showing fewer and fewer signs of anger but now seemed more sad and withdrawn. His mother noticed him crying alone in bed a few times. He also seemed very distant and withdrawn whenever his weekend visits were approaching. She assumed that Bobby would work through these problems. After all, he was in counseling, and she had her own concerns to work through.

Bobby kept showing mild improvement but would revert to his withdrawn or sullen behaviors around the time of the holidays or any kind of special event within the family. He seemed very sensitive to change and was quick to display anger or sorrow.

This emotional roller coaster did not begin to level off until more than three years after the separation of Bobby’s parents. By then they were divorced and there was a consistent visitation arrangement that seemed to be working well. Bobby’s mom and dad were even talking to each other more civilly. The only change in Bobby’s slow and steady progress came when his mother went out on her first date.

Bobby, who as then eight, acted horribly that whole week. And when Mom’s date arrived, Bobby was at his all-time worst. He was rude, refusing even to speak to the gentleman. Throughout the following week, Bobby was very angry and rude toward his mother. It wasn’t until weeks later that Bobby finally came to his mom and asked a revealing question: “When are you and Dad going to get back together?” His mother use this opportunity to explain once again to Bobby the finality of their divorce and to reassure him of their commitment to his well-being.

Today Bob is in high school. He has the same insecurities and struggles that most teenager experience. It’s difficult for his mother to determine how many of his problems are due to the single parent home, and how many are part of normal teenage development.

Bob has a fairly good relationship with Is mom but rarely sees his dad due to their busy schedules. Bob’s grades are back to normal, and he is involved in typical high school activities. The only remnants of his parents’ divorce seem to be those nagging questions that he still struggles with.

Even though most of these thoughts have already been dealt with, they still lurk in the back of Bob’s mind, creating insecurity and a general hesitancy to trust in relationships.

Three Categories of Adjustment

Bobby’s example may seem like an isolated case, yet it is fairly typical of those who work through their parents’ divorce in a healthy way. A number of studies have demonstrated that most children have similar patterns of reacting to their parents’ divorce. These reactions can be divided into three general categories. Children of divorce fall rather evenly into these three groups.

Healthy Adjustment

The first one-third, includes those children who come through their parents’ breakup and are fairly healthy, as in the case of Bobby. They go through the normal grieving process, experiencing denial, anger, and depression, but usually within two years they reach a point of acceptance. This acceptance seems contingent on their parents’ ability to work through a settlement and is most evident when there are few disruptions following the divorce, such as remarriage, a major change in lifestyle, or inconsistent visitation.

Typically there are points of disruptions beyond the two-year adjustment period, such as when Mom and Dad start dating or maybe even remarry. Yet this segment of the children of divorce demonstrates a fairly healthy adjustment.

Extended Period Before Adjustment

Another third of the children of divorce go through the typical stages of grieving but seem to spend a lot of time at each stage. In particular they don’t reach a point of acceptance for three to ten years instead of the typical two year period. Generally there are more boys than girls in this category, since boys tend to react more strongly and take longer to recover.

This middle group also tends to include children who, unlike the first group, have other family stresses to deal with, other than their parents’ divorce. These stresses may include but are not limited to: major change in life-style; becoming part of a blended family; parent’s alcoholism or drug abuse; or a particularly messy divorce.

This middle category can also include children of divorce who experience delayed reactions to their parents’ breakup. These children may seem fine for the first two years after their parents’ separation, with little or no noticeable reactions. Yet three to five years later, with the onset of a new developmental stage (such as becoming a teenager), these kids will have a more severe reaction – testing limits, questioning authority, and generally distinguishing themselves as “troubled youth.”

The long-term effects are much less noticeable when this group reaches adulthood. They finally do make appropriate adjustments and have fairly normal adult lives. They do, however, struggle with personal insecurities and who some evidence of difficulty with relationships and trust. This can affect their self-image, their friendships, their marriages, and the way they raise their own children.

Lack of Adjustment

The final third of children whose parents divorce are those who never seem to recover from the traumatic effects of their family breakup. Their anger, depression, and general inability to accept their parents’ divorce continue well into their adult lives. This can result in school failure; chronic unemployment; an inability to trust others or to establish long-term relationships; a higher frequency of drug or alcohol abuse; personality disorder; and perhaps even criminal behaviors. Some of these people marry young (and many son divorce); others seem unwilling to ever get married or have a family.

Mike, a twenty-seven year old man,  is a good example of a child who could not adjust. He was friendly but somewhat hesitant in anything other than superficial conversation and kept his “real self” from public view.

Mike had a drinking problem. He had a whole set of friends with whom he got drunk and then usually got into some type of trouble. The trouble would start with rowdiness and belligerence, but all too often evolved into fights, breaking windows, and eventual arrest.

I remember the first time I learned that Mike had spent the night in jail. I felt bad for him, but I challenged him: “What’s going on? How could you pick a fight with a cop?”

Mike’s response was one that I later heard over and over again each time he got into some trouble. “Well, when I was six years old, my parents got a divorce. My dad took off with his secretary, and I didn’t see him for three years.” Mike would go on to explain how upsetting his childhood was and how fair it all seemed.

I remember saying, “Yeah, but Mike, that was twenty years ago. Isn’t it time to move on with your life?”

Mike’s response to my insensitive comment was filled with anger. “You don’t understand! Nobody understands what it’s like. Each time I get into a fight or take a swing at a cop, I’m getting back at my dad. I’d like to kill him for what he did to me and my mom.”

That comment pretty well summed up Mike’s excuse each time he was thrown in jail or sent to an alcohol rehab center. Although I continued to reach out to Mike, he began to shut me out more and more, following the pattern of all his relationships.

I eventually lost touch with Mike for several years. Then I ran into him one morning in a coffee shop. I asked him how he was doing and where he’d been for the past several years.

Mike proceeded to tell me that he had just gotten out of prison for a drunk driving conviction.

“How did that happen?” I asked.

Mike, who was now over thirty, recited a now familiar response: “Well, when I was six year s old my parents got a divorce … “

It seems that Mike will never fully recover from his parents’ divorce. And his reaction, which probably more extreme than most, is similar in its long-term effects to that of almost one-third of the children of divorce.

Would Mike have had problems with drinking and self-control if his parents never divorced? Probably. No one can really know for sure. It would seem, however, that the inclination was always there and that the divorce was only a catalyst for the problems. No one knows what other catalyst might have set off a similar reaction of if any catalyst would have triggered such an intense response.

© 2001 by Thomas A. Whiteman