Starting Over – The Healing Process (Anger)
Adapted from the book Starting Over
Other posts in this series:
Starting Over – The Healing Process (Denial)
Starting Over – My Story
by Tom Whiteman
You’re walking down the street minding your own business and suddenly someone slams into your shoulder. It’s not a major injury, but still … your personal space has been violated. You’re angry. You whirl around, ready to give your assailant a piece of your mind. “Do you mind? I’m walking here?”
Then you notice that the woman who slammed into you is on crutches, her leg in a cast. She’s having some difficulty negotiating her way down the sidewalk. Stopping at your angry call, she turns and gives you a pitiful look. “Sorry,” she murmurs. You nod your pardon and both of you turn to leave.
What happened to your anger? When your space was violated, you wanted to slug someone. Why didn’t you? You could have grabbed that woman’s crutches and thrown them in the street. But you saw that the woman couldn’t help it. She wasn’t trying to hurt you; she was just having some trouble with those crutches. She was a victim herself. And so you willingly swallowed your own victimization and gave her a break (so to speak).
This little overdramatized example teaches us several things about anger:
- Anger is a natural, instinctive response. We don’t usually decide to be angry. It is the response to some event we experience.
- Angry feelings do arise instinctively but we also can choose what do to about them. That is, we have the ability to control our behavior when we are angry.
- Anger has a lot to do with justice. Angry feelings come when we perceive we are not being treated justly.
- Anger rides on our perceptions. When our perceptions about an event change so do our angry feelings about the event.
We might define anger as a natural response to a perceived injustice. In the case of romantic breakups, injustice is often perceived. It’s common for both parties to feel wronged when they split. “Why didn’t you…?” “If you hadn’t…?” “How could you…?” Blame flies furiously.
But even when it’s hard to fix blame for specific deeds, we still feel anger churning within. There’s a kind of “anger logic” that takes over. It comes something like this:
- I feel awful.
- I don’t deserve to feel awful.
- I feel awful because of you.
- You made me feel this way, which I don’t deserve.
- I’m angry at you.
Anger is odd that way. As you can see, it’s actually not very good at logic. Anger doesn’t focuse very well on specific reasons or even specific people. When you’re angry, you lash out. One driver swerves dangerously in from of you and speeds off, and you’re likely to curse out the next driver who passes you.
Anger is a fire. Actually, this is a very good image because fire is both good and bad. Where would we be without it? Still in caves munching raw meat, no doubt. Fire warms us, cooks our food, lights our way, and inspires songs like Johnny Cash’s legendary “Ring of Fire.” But fire cal also burn down your homes.
Often year hear stories of controlled burns that get out of control and burn down the neighborhood. What started out as a fire to control dead growth an area is driven by high winds and dry, hot conditions to burn out of control and become a disaster.
Anger is like that. As you come out of denial, you feel your anger start to burn. That’s a good thing. You’ve got a lot of “perceived injustice” to burn off to make way for new vegetation. Allow that “controlled burn” to happen, but keep watch. Don’t let it rage out of control. It’s liable to lare out at the wrong people, and it might lead you into dangerous actions.
Learning from Anger
Let Yourself Feel the Anger. Some might think this is absurd to say. They feel anger very easily – maybe too easily. But others have always been taught to keep a lid on their angry feelings. It’s not “nice” to be angry. It’s not “righteous.” It’s not “civilized.” Well, forget that. If you feel wronged after a breakup, you’ll feel angry. This is a natural response. It doesn’t do any good to try not to feel angry. It’s unnatural. The feelings are there; you have to do something with them. Medical literature is full of the effects of bottled-up anger. Ulcers, high blood pressure, and back strain are just a few of the physical symptoms. The psychological and spiritual results can be just as debilitating.
Express Your Anger in Thorough, but Healthy Ways. You don’t have a lot of control over the angry feelings that arise inside you. They are, as we’ve said, a natural response. Yet you have great control over how you choose to express your angry feelings. Yes, there are some people with notoriously bad tempers who seem to lose control when they’re riled. We feel that even these people can learn o control their actions, though it takes some discipline. Athletes seem to get more injuries from fights with water coolers than from playing the game. The secret is to channel your angry energy in good ways. Run a mile. Write a song. Paint your house.
Keep Justice as Your Goal. If anger is ultimately about injustice, then we should be seeking justice even when we’re angry. Unfortunately, once the blood starts to boil, it’s easy to lose sight of the ultimate goal. Let’s say your ex ha treated you badly. You’re understandably angry. Why? Because it’s not fair. You’ve given that person the best years of your life and this is the thanks you get? Now you want your ex to suffer. You get the best lawyer you can and try to squeeze every last penny out of the settlement, whether you need it or not – simply because you want to hurt this person who has hurt you. Be careful about expressing your anger. It’s important to get through the anger stage, being completely honest about your feelings of rage. You might even do some things to try to “settle the score,” but keep an eye on justice. Don’t let your anger create a worse situation.
When Things Cool Down, Check Your Perceptions. Perhaps the most important ward in our definition of anger is “perceived.” We respond angrily to situations that seem unjust to us. When we think we’re being mistreated, we lash out. Remember the story about the woman on crutches bumping you on the sidewalk? You start to become angry when you think she’s being irresponsible. But once you get the full picture, you ease up. Learn to look at the situation through the other person’s eyes. Let yourself role-play the scene in the opposite role. How does the person view you? What seems far to him or her? This is a crucial skill in business negotiations and politics. It’s just as crucial in personal relationships. Many conflicts are just matters of misunderstandings. Two people want different things but assume they want the same thing. You think the other person is trying to hurt you, when he or she is actually clueless about your feelings. There will still be times when you get hurt, unjustly. Your anger will boil over because of how you’ve been mistreated. But even then, your broader perception will help you know exactly what the issues are, and it might help you channel your anger better.
Adapted from material © 2001 by Thomas Whiteman and Randy Petersen
To order a copy of Tom Whiteman’s book Starting Over call our customer care representative at 1-888-373-7478 (Monday-Friday 9am-4pm EST).
