Starting Over – The Healing Process (Bargaining)
From the book Starting Over
by Tom Whiteman
“If you promise to come back to me, I promise I’ll never yell at you again.”
“If I could lose twenty pounds, I know he’d come back.”
“God, I’ll serve you all my life if you just bring her back to me.”
Bargaining is the most complicated stage of recovery from a breakup. It’s akin to denial because you think you can undo the damage if you only do a certain thing. But usually the damage in far too great for your quick fixes. Yet bargaining is a step forward from anger. At least now you’re thinking about ways to make peace. And bargaining represents that last gasp of hope before you tumble into despair. Ultimately you’ll realize that, yes, it’s really over – forever finished and done with. But when you’re bargaining you still think there’s a chance.
A friend of ours likes to say that bargainers try to apply microwave solutions to crock pot problems. In other words, your breakup took years to simmer into reality; you’re not going to zap it away with some momentary impulse. If you relationship has been steadily eroding away, restoration will take more than a makeover, a vacation together, or a trip to the shrink.
You might think that bargaining is a fairly benign stage, without the dangers of anger or the pains of depression, but there are still a couple of things to watch for:
Don’t sell yourself short. Some people get so desperate that they’ll promise anything for one more shot at the relationship. We knew one guy who offered to let his wife continue her affair if she would just move back home. Keep your dignity. Observe proper boundaries. Manipulative mates can play this stage to their advantage, especially if you’re negotiating divorce settlements or custody arrangements. Make sure you stand up for what you know is right and appropriate.
Don’t set yourself up for a fall. Sure, there’s something inevitable about bargaining. You’re going to make a last-ditch effort to restore things. You’re going to get your hopes up, and you’re going to be disappointed. Then you’ll have a time of depression. Isn’t that a cheery outlook? So we’re not saying, “don’t bargain.” It’s part of the natural progression of stages. Just be careful about it. Don’t take outlandish risks, physically, financially, or emotionally. The higher your hopes in this stage, the deeper your depression in the next.
In some cases, bargaining “works.” Loretta had been telling Mark about her problems with the marriage, but he wouldn’t listen. Then she moved out. Mark was stunned at first, dismissing it as a passing fancy, then becoming angry. Loretta kept in contact, however, and eventually mark reach the point where he asked, “What do I have to do to get you back” That’s when the bargaining started. After a few months of regular discussion, Loretta moved back in with Mark. Their issues weren’t all resolved, but Loretta saw enough positive changes in Mark to give their marriage another chance. Mark was wounded by this how ideal, but he was willing to try again.
Sadly, that’s the exception rather than the rule. In this case, Loretta still wanted to be married, and she just moved out to force Mark to pay attention to her issues. Not all spouses who move out are that committed to the relationship. When bargaining works, it’s because both parties work together. Progress isn’t made through drastic changes, but by steady, slow commitments. Wild promises wil not woo your partner back to you; they will only cheapen you.
© 2001 by Thomas Whiteman and Randy Petersen
Other posts in this series:
Starting Over – The Healing Process (Denial)
Starting Over – The Healing Process (Anger)
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