Starting Over – The Healing Process (Depression)
Adapted from the book Starting Over
by Tom Whiteman
Emotionally speaking, depression is an empty tank. You’ve grasped at the hopes and raged at injustice and suffered the pains of loss, and now you just close up. You’re not just sad; you’re swimming in a sea of sadness. Actually, the swimming would be too much effort. You are floating in that sea – maybe sinking. You have no energy. You have no hope.
Physical symptoms of depression include sleep disturbance, changed eating patterns (too much or to little), irritability, exhaustion, and susceptibility to illness. It seems like your body is falling apart, just like the rest of your life.
People will try to talk you out of depression. “Cheer up. Things can’t be that bad. Turn that frown upside down.” They mean well, but they just don’t get it. Depression is something you need to go through. You can’t past a smiley face on it and pretend it’s not there. You’ve suffered a major loss in your life, and you need to grieve for it. So, for a time, you’ll be too sad to get up in the morning. You’ll probably trudge through your workplace not really caring what gets done. Most likely, you’ll be hard to live with.
We need this depression to convince us that the relationship is finally over. There’s a logic to these recovery stages. First we deny that there’s a problem, or at least a serious problem, then we get mad at the other person as we begin to feel the pain. Bargaining is a lurch back toward denial as we try to make things all better. As long as we’re bargaining, we never quite grasp the finality of our loss. But as those false hope of the bargaining period fade, we sink into depression.
As with the other stages, problems occur when you stay too long in depression. People often remain depressed for about a year, but if you’re facing your second summer in the throes of depression, it’s time to talk a walk and breathe some fresh air. Honestly, many folks just seem to snap out of their depression one day as they realize they don’t need to mourn anymore.
But you can’t rush this stage either. If you try to snap out of depression before you’re ready, it won’t last. But when you’re ready, you need to take the risk of living again. Allow yourself to enjoy yourself.
Problems also occur when depression drags people deeper than they should go. If you’re suicidal, or if your lethargy is seriously affecting your work life or your family life, get professional help. Medications are available to fight the more serious symptoms of depression. Of course, some people in deep depression try “self-medication,” drinking heavily, taking non-prescribed drugs, or overdoing prescription medications. This is dangerous, and it tends to make depression worse. People with addictive personalities might also turn to addictive behaviors as an escape from their depression – gambling, pornography, overeating, shopping, or shoplifting. These might offer a temporary way to forget your problems, but they almost always make your situation worse.
Suggestions for getting through the depression stage?
Enjoy your sad mood for a while. Don’t feel guilty for feeing sad. You need to go through this.
Let your loved ones know you need to grieve for a year or so. Don’t let them sent you on a guilt trip. Beg their indulgence. But be careful how you behave toward those who care the most about you. You need them.
Watch out for addictive behavior. You know your greatest temptations, so guard against them. Ask your closest family members or friends to hold you accountable.
Monitor yourself or serious problems and be ready to get help. If you’re suicidal, unable to go through the basic functions of life, or are getting into some addictions, call a counselor. In fact, plan in advance what counselor you’ll see if things get bad. Have his or her number at hand. Later, when you need to make that call, you might not even have the energy to look up their number.
Adapted from material © 2001 by Thomas Whiteman and Randy Petersen
Other posts in this series:
Starting Over – The Healing Process (Denial)
Starting Over – The Healing Process (Anger)
Starting Over – The Healing Process (Bargaining)
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