Starting Over – The Journey to Wholeness and Health
by Chris Accardy
I’m writing this the day after celebrating my 16th wedding anniversary. I consider myself to be a very blessed man. After all I went through with my first wife, I have the joy and deep satisfaction of spending the rest of my life with an absolutely wonderful woman who is very good for me.
Sure we’ve had our challenges and rough spots. Yes, we’ve needed help at times when we’ve struggled. But all-in-all, things have been wonderful.
When I read the divorce statistics for second marriages a deep sense of gratitude arises within me. Statistically, I should be a repeat customer to the Heartbreak Hotel. By now, if statistics determined my life, my second marriage would be over and I’d be jumping from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship.
I’ve often wondered what I might have done to help me avoid becoming another statistic. As I’ve pondered this question I’ve started to recognize six concrete actions I took after my divorce and as I was going through the healing process. I’ll share them here with you in hopes that it would get you thinking about how you can avoid becoming a relationship crash-and-burn statistic.
1. I got spiritually grounded. I grew up in a religious household that was very committed to the Christian faith. After my first wife left me I really struggled to find answers. I kept bumping up against the religion question. It was a question I didn’t really want to answer. But, in the aftermath of my grandfather’s death, I had a conversion experience and became a follower of Jesus Christ. I got involved in a healthy church environment. That spiritual grounding helped me become more rooted in something outside of myself. You might not believe me but I believe that God is active and working in my life in ways I never imagined before becoming a Christian.
2. I started looking at the world in new ways. Some of this was due to my conversion to Christianity. Another part of looking at the world in new ways was related to my own concern about my own world view. My world view – how I looked at the world and how I thought the world worked – had gotten me into trouble. It had led me into a dysfunctional relationship that ended in divorce. It had led me to struggle with excessive drinking and the “party life”. They say a definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I got tired of doing the same thing over and over. I knew I needed to change to get different results. I started critically examining every view I held and asked myself if there wasn’t an alternative view that would lead to better results.
3. I reconciled with my family. This sounds strange but I found this to be an important part toward becoming a healthy person. My father had been a strict disciplinarian and both my parents were emotionally distant. I was angry and bitter toward them over some parenting decisions they had made and a rift had developed. After reconciling with my parents and brother and developing a healthy relationship with them I found a great weight lifted off of me. My marriage (against their advice) and subsequent divorce had created some other issues that needed to be resolved as well.
4. Finding a new life direction. I was in the United States Air Force when I got divorced. My career choices at the time were to stay in the military or do my same job at a civilian airport. My divorce caused me to think about doing something different. There would have been nothing wrong if I had continued on my current career track. But starting college and thinking about a different career direction was a change that was good for me. It also kept me out of trouble. I was working nights at the Air Force Base, attended college full-time during the day, and was involved in church activities on the weekends. I didn’t have time to get in trouble.
5. I worked at becoming a healthy person. The temptation when going through the healing process from divorce is to let oneself go. I know some people who get obsessed with looking good and playing the field. In my opinion those people are living in a constant denial. Most of us seem to struggle as we move from bargaining into depression. It was hard at times but I fought through the temptation to succumb to depression when it came to my physical health. I felt lousy about what happened to me but I found ways to stay healthy. At one point, after I completed my enlistment, I was a lifeguard and hiking instructor at a summer camp in the White Mountains. During the winters I’d spend a lot of time playing pond hockey with co-workers and friends. I found ways to stay healthy. This kept my depression from becoming debilitating.
6. I found hobbies and interests that I enjoyed. After I got out of the Air Force I lived in the White Mountains and worked at a camp and conference center. One of my greatest joys was climbing mountains and riding horses. There’s something about being on top of the world and alone with a horse in nature. Another interest I developed was exploring new places and trying new things. These new experiences opened my eyes further to the world around me. I discovered that being single had its advantages. If I was married I couldn’t just decide to take off to spend a weekend in Montreal after I finished work on Friday. If married I couldn’t stop by a friend’s place after work and help them fix their motorcycle.
So that’s it. That’s my list of stuff that helped me get through the healing process and become a man worthy of marriage. If I hadn’t pursued these things I think I would have been a dangerous person and would have ended up in a dysfunctional relationship. I’m certainly glad that I was able to grow in the aftermath of my divorce. The past sixteen years have made me even more thankful.
