Starting Over – The Healing Process (Acceptance)
From the book Starting Over
by Tom Whiteman
That that is is that that is not is not is not that it it is.
You’ve just read the secret of stage five, acceptance. Huh? First, let’s punctuate that sentence.
That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is not that it? It is!
Acceptance is simply a matter of seeing the situation “that is.” You stop grabbing backward for some past relationship “that is not.” You’re finally able to convince yourself that you’re living in the present, free from the past, and you need to step forward into the future. Is not that it?
It is!
You don’t have to do much. Some people go through their recovery like a “to do” list, checking off stage by stage. Books like this are quick to offer tips – ways to keep moving along. But the acceptance stage defies all attempts to pin it down to pointers. It’s just seeing what’s there, as well as stopping the evasions of stages one to four.
In acceptance, you’ve stopped denying the loss of this relationship. You know it’s over.
In acceptance, you stop boiling in anger against the other person, against yourself, against others, or against God. Perhaps you realize that continuing anger does nothing to create justice; it just hurts you more.
In acceptance, you stop searching for quick fixes, bargains, and ways to go back in time. “If only I did…” “If only I could…” You realize the irrelevance of these hypotheticals.
In acceptance, you finally climb out of the depression that has imprisoned you. You’ve finished your time of mourning and you’re ready to greet a new day. You might still remain a wistful thought or choke back an occasional tear, but you recognize that good things await you in the future. No need to stay chained to the past.
Acceptance means moving on. You don’t have to say that your suffering was all right. Some people learn to say that they grew through the process, but you don’t have to. Your breakup and the following slide into depression might remain a black hole in your life, something you’d rather not think about. You don’t have to accept that it was good, just accept that it happened as a normal part of the recovery process and that you’ve lived to tell about it.
Acceptance means assimilating the experience into your life. It means understanding that the experience has changed you, that you are a somewhat different person. Not better, not worse, just different. It might be like that tough computer course you took at the community college, or like that peanut butter you spooned out of the jar yesterday. For good or ill, it’s now a part of you. The knowledge in your head, the fat cells on your hips, or the scars on your soul – you now go through live as a changed person. In the acceptance stage, you stop denying that, fighting it, or bemoaning it; you just realize it.
Acceptance means letting go of the pain. As we just said, it doesn’t mean forgetting about what happened, but it does mean refusing to let the pain of the past dominate your life in the future. Some people are actually reluctant to step forward into the acceptance stage because they’ve learned to lie their pain. They’ve been nursing their wounds in their own private depression, and perhaps they’ve gained pity from others. They’ve allowed their pain to define who they are. Joe becomes “Poor Joe … you know his wife left him.” “Poor Carol … she just fell in love with the wrong guy.” Pain can become so ingrained in your life that you can’t imagine any other way to live.
There’s a wise analogy from Africa about a monkey trap that merely consists of a banana in a jar. A monkey can reach into the jar and grab the banana, but the jar’s opening is too small for it to pull its hand out while holding the banana. Apparently, monkeys will go around for hours with that jar on their hands, unwilling to let go of the banana. People do the same thing, clinging to the problem that they say they want to get rid of. They simply don’t think they can let go.
But that’s often the solution to our suffering – merely letting go of it. Monkeys eventually get tired and give up the banana. The jar comes off, and the monkey is free to swing the trees in search of other bananas. Similarly, the acceptance stage usually comes when people get tired of holding on to their pain. They let go, and they start living life again.
© 2001 by Thomas Whiteman and Randy Peterson
Other posts in this series:
Starting Over – The Healing Process (Denial)
Starting Over – The Healing Process (Anger)
Starting Over – The Healing Process (Bargaining)
Starting Over – The Healing Process (Depression)
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