by Rob Horton

 There is no doubt about it, divorce causes problems.  It causes problems for the couple, it causes problems for the kids, it causes problems for the finances and the list goes on.

 Divorce is much like an injury.  When people first experience the breakup of a marriage the initial reactions are pretty universal.  Just like a physical injury, some pain is inevitable and it’s no different with divorce.  First, as many who experience shock in a traumatic injury, so too, with divorce, we initially deny the seriousness of that injury. some denial. After a period of denial, the pain sets in. We get angry, fearful, or some other intense emotion. As the intense emotions set in, we discover that we are at a crossroad with three paths to choose.

 Repression Path-   The first path we can call the Broad Way.  This is the way of the quick fix. We attempt to stuff the feelings and just move on with our lives. Our friends will tell us “it’s been 2 months”, it’s time to move on.  They are uncomfortable with our feelings and they really don’t want to be inconvenienced by our suffering so they tell us to go out, have fun and meet someone. Our society today believes in fast solutions and quick results.  Everywhere you look, advertisers offer faster and quicker ways to loose weight, fight wrinkles, get healthy, get rich and the list goes on.  We live in a microwave world and we don’t have time for crock pot problems.

 Maybe they’re right… we think.  We should just get back on that horse and ride again.  We sign up for Match.com or any other social website and we begin the process of solving our singleness problem.  This approach is like Novocain.  Just numb the pain and never mind the healing.  It may work for a while to minimize the pain but it also minimizes the healing and minimizes the importance of the marriage that was lost. We can also become vulnerable to a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships almost never work out well.

  The problem with this path of rebound relationships and repressed emotions is that the damage is covered up.  We loose weight, buy a new wardrobe put on our best face and “go for it”. But it’s like a new coat of paint and new carpet for a house that has a cracked foundation and termites.  We may look good, but foundationally we are unstable.  When we simply loop around and around on the repression path and we never actually deal with the issues that surround our marital loss.  It’s important to note that the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than for first marriages.  The reason for this is that many people never take the time to heal from the injuries of the fist marriage before they jump into a new relationship.  When we choose the repression path, we are likely to keep doing the same things over and over again and getting the same results as a result. We’re not healing but we’re hiding.  Hiding from our issues and heading for trouble down the road when this all comes crashing down.

 Bitterness Path- If repression is the Broad Way then the Bitterness path can be called the Bad Way. With repression, we loop around and around. With the bitterness path, we keep spiraling down and down.

 There’s no doubt about it, divorce is a bitter experience.  Most people would say that they wouldn’t wish a divorce on their worst enemy. We have to be careful that this bitter experience does not make us bitter so that we always are blaming someone else for our troubles.  Many people who are faced with a divorce did not ask for the divorce. They might find comfort with playing the victim role.  They will tell their story of pain and injustice over and over and over again to anyone that will listen. Each time they tell the story they become more and more engulfed in blaming as they continue to spiral down into despair and bitterness.  Most of us have been exposed to bitter people.  They are negative, judgmental, angry and cynical.  They are difficult to be around.  Unlike the person who represses their hurt and tries to move on as if nothing has happened, the bitter person embraces their anger and depression until it consumes them and starts to effect their work life, their social life and their personal self esteem until they believe themselves to be in a world where there is no joy or goodness anywhere.  When we continue to blame and justify our anger we continue to keep the wounds fresh and we never let them heal.  The end result is years and years of depression, anger and until we become incapable to find any joy in life at all.

 The Grieving Path- This path is the narrow path and the true path to healing from the injuries that we sustain when we divorce.  I also call this the High Road to Healing.   What makes grieving the preferred path?  When we allow ourselves to grieve, we can reach the point of letting go of the losses and accepting a new life.  But before we can complete the grieving process, we must allow ourselves the time to feel the sadness and loneliness that comes with loosing our marriage.  It doesn’t matter whether we were the party that ended the marriage or the party that had the end thrust upon us; we still need to grieve the loss.  Sadness and loneliness is not just associated with the loss of the marriage relationship but we also must grieve the loss of the intact family and the loss of the dream.  Our sense of loss will also be directly proportional to the value we placed on the marriage in the first place.  We will only feel sadness and grief if we have lost something of value.  Otherwise we wouldn’t care. With that said, the more that we valued our marriage, the more time, effort and support it will take for us to heal from the injuries of divorce.  So take the time and the effort to heal well.

 We live in a society where we don’t want to see people deal with the tough stuff of life.  Most of our so called “friends” tend to disappear when the going gets tough. People who haven’t experience divorce themselves, just don’t understand the magnitude of the loss we feel and they certainly can’t relate to the loss of a dream or the loss of the intact family.  This is why we need to surround ourselves with friends that understand this process and will let us be sad and lonely without trying to cheer us up or fix us up on a date. (Notice that friends is plural and not singular.  We need more than one friend because we’ll wear one friend out before we can finish this process) Support groups can be a lifeline during this time of need.  They can offer tools and encouragement to help you cope with the issues of divorce as they occur.

 Sadness and loneliness is not a fun place to be, but its necessary place to go if we want to effectively heal.  (At Fresh Start, we refer to this place as the pit)   As someone once said at a Fresh Start Seminar, “you have to feel it to heal it” It is when we are in the pit that we can reflect inwardly and begin to take responsibility for ourselves instead of looking to other people to perpetually blame. We ultimately want to get to a place of acceptance, a place where we are willing to let go of the hurt and sadness and embrace a new life of being content and fulfilled.  The key to acceptance is allowing time to feel the hurt, loneliness and sadness instead of avoiding it.  The reason this is the narrow path to healing is we must allow ourselves the time to grieve and we must tell the people around us to let us be sad.  We can’t wallow in sadness and grieving forever but for a season we can make productive use of it so we can later move on with our lives in a healthy way. 

 As we grieve, we must be willing to intentionally reflect and take an inventory of our marriage; both the good and the bad.  This is the way we see the truth about our marriage.  With time and effort, our wounds will eventually become scars.  The scars may never go away, but the pain will eventually subside and the scars become less noticeable until one day you will move on to a life of joy and contentment. 

 A final word about the high road to healing.  The grieving path will also take us to a place of forgiveness.  Forgiveness is another way we let go and move on.  Forgiveness is a topic for another post. For now, put that away in your thoughts. Forgiveness is the best way to let go of the hurt that marital loss brings. 

 So these are the three paths we have to choose. The path of repression is nothing more than denial as we move from one quick fix to another. The path of bitterness is the path that leads to ultimate despair, skepticism and depression.  The true path to healing is allowing yourself the time to grieve the loss, accept the loss and move on with your life in a healthy and productive way.  My hope for you is that you will take the high road to healing and allow yourself the time to grieve the loss, let go of the hurts and embrace a new life full of contentment and new adventures.

Rob Horton and his wife Genie are leaders of the Genesis divorce ministry at Perimeter Church in Duluth GA. They both have personally experienced divorce. Rob is also a Fresh Start Seminar speaker.  Genesis is an ongoing community that offers teaching and support for people dealing with separation and divorce.  Fresh Start highly recommends Genesis to people in the Atlanta area who are  experiencing a broken relationship. You can visit their website at www.genesisrecovery.org. 

Adapted from the book Your Kids and Divorce.

by Tom Whiteman

Bobby was sound asleep when his mother shook him awake. “Get up, Bobby! Grab your blankie and teddy bear. We’re going bye-bye.”

The boy, who was only five years old, quickly grabbed his things as his mother whisked him away in the middle of the night. He remembered very little about that night beyond that point, as he drifted in and out of sleep. His mother took him downstairs, loaded him into a car full of family belongings, and drove off to Bobby’s grandmother’s house at the other end of town.

As Bobby woke up the following morning and saw that he was at his grandmother’s, he realized that he hadn’t been dreaming about the night before. He was glad to be at his Grandmom’s but was a little confused as to why they left so abruptly.

Bobby asked his mother all kinds of questions as they sat around the breakfast table. “Where is Daddy? What are we going to do today? When are we going home?”

His mother’s evasiveness and tendency to change the subject only caused Bobby to be more confused and curious.

Later that same day as Bobby was being put to bed in his grandmother’s spare room, he once again asked his mother, “Where’s Daddy?” and “When are we going home?”

His mother looked down at the floor and said, “I don’t know where Daddy is and I don’t know when we’re going home.”

Bobby, who was pretty smart for his age, was now very confused. He knew that there was something wrong. Mom was acting funny. Grandmom and Grandpop were acting differently, and this wasn’t like the typical visit to Grandmom’s house. Daddy wasn’t with them.

He soon began to wonder, Did I do something wrong? I wonder if Mom or Dad is mad at me? Well, he reasoned, at least I haven’t been yelled at or punished, so maybe everything will be okay tomorrow.

The days came and went with some days seeming almost normal. But most days Bobby wondered, What is going on with my family, and why isn’t Daddy around? The more he asked questions, the more his grandparents and his mother seemed to avoid giving answers.

Then one day, after more days than Bobby could count (several months), his mother came to him and said, “Bobby, sit down. We need to talk.” Mom began to explain that she and Daddy were not going to live together anymore. She talked about their fighting, about their not being in love anymore, but Bobby going to live together. Oh, he liked his grandparents all right, and he liked living there with his mother, but he didn’t understand why he, Mom, and Dad couldn’t live together again in their old house.

He had lots of questions but didn’t know how to ask them. So Bobby only nodded his head and ran off to play. He still wondered what was going to happen to him.

His mother, on the other hand, thought that things had gone really well. She had avoided saying anything to Bobby up until that point because she didn’t want to hurt him. Besides, for a long time she wasn’t sure whether her separation from her husband was going to be permanent. But after almost three months at Grandmom’s house, Bobby’s mom had come to the decision that she was going to seek a divorce. The hardest part for her was telling Bobby, but once she made up her mind, she knew it had to be done.

When Bobby didn’t object, cry, or show any traumatic reaction to this difficult news, Bobby’s mom assumed that he had taken it fairly well. She had no idea what was going on inside the mind of her child.

As the months passed, Bobby’s mother became more and more preoccupied with her own problems. She had reestablished contact with her husband, most of which was unpleasant. They were discussing lawyers, finances, custody arrangements, and settlements, which all brought about increased stress. One bright spot, however, was the observation that Bobby seemed to be fine. He had found new friends in his new neighborhood, and he seemed perfectly content with the new living arrangement.

Therefore Bobby’s needs and his adjustment became secondary to questions such as: Where are we going to live? How can I support a household as a single parent? Will I ever be happy again? Despite the stress of these issues, Bobby’s mother always consoled herself with the thought, At least Bobby is doing okay.

That consolation didn’t last very long. Bobby’s mother had just worked through an arrangement where Bobby could visit his dad on alternating weekends, when things began to change.

Bobby was excited when is mom first told him about the visit to his dad’s. However, within hours after that, he began to behave differently. At first Bobby acted very short and cold toward his mom. She just thought, Well, he must have a lot on his mind. But soon this distance turned into overt anger, displayed as temper tantrums, talking tack, and refusing to carry out even the simplest responsibility. As Bobby began is regular visits with his dad, things got worse. It seemed as though each time Bobby returned from a visit with his father, he demonstrated even more anger toward his mom.

In school Bobby was performing well in first grade. However, as visitation with his dad progressed, his grades began to slip. At a subsequent parent-teacher conference, Bobby’s mother was surprised to learn that her son was showing signs of anger in school – fighting in the school yard, picking on other kids, and displaying a generally bad attitude toward school.

For Bobby’s mom, this was the last straw. She decided to send him to the school guidance counselor so that she could gain some new insights into Bobby’s problem. She assumed that his problems had something to do with his father, since she hadn’t any trouble with him before the weekend visits began.

A few months went by along with several visits to the counselor, and Bobby began to show slow, general improvement in his behavior. His temper tantrums lessened, and the school reported fewer problems. His grades, however, were still low. He was described as being very distracted.

The counselor reported that Bobby was opening up in the sessions and sharing his concerns over his parents’ breakup. The visits to Dad were not the cause of his problems, the counselor reported, but rather the insecurity Bobby felt when he went back and forth between the two homes.

A year after the breakup of Bobby’s family, he was showing fewer and fewer signs of anger but now seemed more sad and withdrawn. His mother noticed him crying alone in bed a few times. He also seemed very distant and withdrawn whenever his weekend visits were approaching. She assumed that Bobby would work through these problems. After all, he was in counseling, and she had her own concerns to work through.

Bobby kept showing mild improvement but would revert to his withdrawn or sullen behaviors around the time of the holidays or any kind of special event within the family. He seemed very sensitive to change and was quick to display anger or sorrow.

This emotional roller coaster did not begin to level off until more than three years after the separation of Bobby’s parents. By then they were divorced and there was a consistent visitation arrangement that seemed to be working well. Bobby’s mom and dad were even talking to each other more civilly. The only change in Bobby’s slow and steady progress came when his mother went out on her first date.

Bobby, who as then eight, acted horribly that whole week. And when Mom’s date arrived, Bobby was at his all-time worst. He was rude, refusing even to speak to the gentleman. Throughout the following week, Bobby was very angry and rude toward his mother. It wasn’t until weeks later that Bobby finally came to his mom and asked a revealing question: “When are you and Dad going to get back together?” His mother use this opportunity to explain once again to Bobby the finality of their divorce and to reassure him of their commitment to his well-being.

Today Bob is in high school. He has the same insecurities and struggles that most teenager experience. It’s difficult for his mother to determine how many of his problems are due to the single parent home, and how many are part of normal teenage development.

Bob has a fairly good relationship with Is mom but rarely sees his dad due to their busy schedules. Bob’s grades are back to normal, and he is involved in typical high school activities. The only remnants of his parents’ divorce seem to be those nagging questions that he still struggles with.

Even though most of these thoughts have already been dealt with, they still lurk in the back of Bob’s mind, creating insecurity and a general hesitancy to trust in relationships.

Three Categories of Adjustment

Bobby’s example may seem like an isolated case, yet it is fairly typical of those who work through their parents’ divorce in a healthy way. A number of studies have demonstrated that most children have similar patterns of reacting to their parents’ divorce. These reactions can be divided into three general categories. Children of divorce fall rather evenly into these three groups.

Healthy Adjustment

The first one-third, includes those children who come through their parents’ breakup and are fairly healthy, as in the case of Bobby. They go through the normal grieving process, experiencing denial, anger, and depression, but usually within two years they reach a point of acceptance. This acceptance seems contingent on their parents’ ability to work through a settlement and is most evident when there are few disruptions following the divorce, such as remarriage, a major change in lifestyle, or inconsistent visitation.

Typically there are points of disruptions beyond the two-year adjustment period, such as when Mom and Dad start dating or maybe even remarry. Yet this segment of the children of divorce demonstrates a fairly healthy adjustment.

Extended Period Before Adjustment

Another third of the children of divorce go through the typical stages of grieving but seem to spend a lot of time at each stage. In particular they don’t reach a point of acceptance for three to ten years instead of the typical two year period. Generally there are more boys than girls in this category, since boys tend to react more strongly and take longer to recover.

This middle group also tends to include children who, unlike the first group, have other family stresses to deal with, other than their parents’ divorce. These stresses may include but are not limited to: major change in life-style; becoming part of a blended family; parent’s alcoholism or drug abuse; or a particularly messy divorce.

This middle category can also include children of divorce who experience delayed reactions to their parents’ breakup. These children may seem fine for the first two years after their parents’ separation, with little or no noticeable reactions. Yet three to five years later, with the onset of a new developmental stage (such as becoming a teenager), these kids will have a more severe reaction – testing limits, questioning authority, and generally distinguishing themselves as “troubled youth.”

The long-term effects are much less noticeable when this group reaches adulthood. They finally do make appropriate adjustments and have fairly normal adult lives. They do, however, struggle with personal insecurities and who some evidence of difficulty with relationships and trust. This can affect their self-image, their friendships, their marriages, and the way they raise their own children.

Lack of Adjustment

The final third of children whose parents divorce are those who never seem to recover from the traumatic effects of their family breakup. Their anger, depression, and general inability to accept their parents’ divorce continue well into their adult lives. This can result in school failure; chronic unemployment; an inability to trust others or to establish long-term relationships; a higher frequency of drug or alcohol abuse; personality disorder; and perhaps even criminal behaviors. Some of these people marry young (and many son divorce); others seem unwilling to ever get married or have a family.

Mike, a twenty-seven year old man,  is a good example of a child who could not adjust. He was friendly but somewhat hesitant in anything other than superficial conversation and kept his “real self” from public view.

Mike had a drinking problem. He had a whole set of friends with whom he got drunk and then usually got into some type of trouble. The trouble would start with rowdiness and belligerence, but all too often evolved into fights, breaking windows, and eventual arrest.

I remember the first time I learned that Mike had spent the night in jail. I felt bad for him, but I challenged him: “What’s going on? How could you pick a fight with a cop?”

Mike’s response was one that I later heard over and over again each time he got into some trouble. “Well, when I was six years old, my parents got a divorce. My dad took off with his secretary, and I didn’t see him for three years.” Mike would go on to explain how upsetting his childhood was and how fair it all seemed.

I remember saying, “Yeah, but Mike, that was twenty years ago. Isn’t it time to move on with your life?”

Mike’s response to my insensitive comment was filled with anger. “You don’t understand! Nobody understands what it’s like. Each time I get into a fight or take a swing at a cop, I’m getting back at my dad. I’d like to kill him for what he did to me and my mom.”

That comment pretty well summed up Mike’s excuse each time he was thrown in jail or sent to an alcohol rehab center. Although I continued to reach out to Mike, he began to shut me out more and more, following the pattern of all his relationships.

I eventually lost touch with Mike for several years. Then I ran into him one morning in a coffee shop. I asked him how he was doing and where he’d been for the past several years.

Mike proceeded to tell me that he had just gotten out of prison for a drunk driving conviction.

“How did that happen?” I asked.

Mike, who was now over thirty, recited a now familiar response: “Well, when I was six year s old my parents got a divorce … “

It seems that Mike will never fully recover from his parents’ divorce. And his reaction, which probably more extreme than most, is similar in its long-term effects to that of almost one-third of the children of divorce.

Would Mike have had problems with drinking and self-control if his parents never divorced? Probably. No one can really know for sure. It would seem, however, that the inclination was always there and that the divorce was only a catalyst for the problems. No one knows what other catalyst might have set off a similar reaction of if any catalyst would have triggered such an intense response.

© 2001 by Thomas A. Whiteman

by Chris Accardy

Are there any behaviors that are guaranteed to break up a marriage? In my experience abuse, addictions, and adultery always have significant consequences in a relationship.

The sad this is that abuse, addictions, and adultery happen. The good news is that these marriage destroying behaviors can be addressed and marriages can be healed from the damage done by them. Those marriages that overcome hardships such as these are often stronger and richer than those that face little adversity.

In the next few weeks we’ll be looking at abuse, addictions, and adultery. We’ll look at the damage they can do to a relationship and how they can be dealt with and overcome.

I’m not writing as a Ph.D. but as a regular guy who has been in people helping jobs for about 20 years now. I’ve seen it all and have gained a little wisdom along the way. Hopefully the stories and points I share will be of value.

I particularly empathize with those who experience these things. The heartbreak experienced with these marriage busters can be quite intense. I’m hoping that if you are an abuser, addict or adulterer you’ll get some wisdom that will help you get healthy and move on with your life. If you are on the receiving end of these destructive behaviors I want to give you hope that, in some cases, these things can be overcome and you will be able to respect and trust your spouse again.

by Chris Accardy

Last night my wife and I had some friends over for dinner and a movie. They are an awesome young couple that we thoroughly enjoy spending time with. We just celebrated our 16^th wedding anniversary and, despite many struggles in life, our marriage is strong and healthy. We enjoy encouraging young couples like the one who came to visit last night in their relationship. Marriage is worth the hard work.

I watched and listened as my wife interacted with this couple. She is a wise woman with a good head on her shoulders. I was proud to be her husband. I feel like the most blessed guy in the world.

After dinner and conversation we watched the movie Fireproof. I’d never seen it before. It’s the story of a marriage that had reached the breaking point. The couple lived together (separate bedrooms) but they were both making plans for a divorce.

The married doctor who was putting the moves on the wife just reminded me how destructive it can be for someone hurting out there in the world. The doctor played the caring, listening hero and the wife was falling for him. The good doctor gave the impression that he was single but as the movie progressed it became apparent that he was just as married as she was.

I was thinking about the movie last night and the blessing my wife is to me now. I started thinking about my ex-wife. I really wish her well. I hope she is doing okay. But my wife and my ex-wife couldn’t have been more different. Maybe my ex-wife had changed. I don’t know. I’m just comparing who she was then and who my wife was when I met her. No, I didn’t intentionally chase after an opposite personality. My wife and my ex-wife have similar personalities. But there is where the similarities ended.

After my divorce I had a few disasters early on. “Almost relationships” I call them. They were the relationships that had the potential to develop into something serious. I kept messing it up or pulling the plug before anything came of them. I’ve written in earlier posts about my journey to wholeness and health as well as how I learned to build healthy relationships. As I was going through that process I also developed a list of five criteria that must be met in a future wife. In fact, I kept myself for developing an emotional attachment to any woman who  didn’t meet these criteria. These criteria were what told me that a woman was safe to fall in love with.

I know that Hollywood produces a lot of “love at first sight” and “can’t help this feeling” romantic garbage. But after a divorce you see those chick flicks for the pile of trash that they are. It’s just someone’s fantasy. All the people involved in the movie from production staff to the actors have probably been married five or six times. Who are they to tell me about lasting love?

I wasn’t going to fall for that stuff and rush headlong into another disastrous relationship. So I set out my five criteria and determined that I wouldn’t allow myself to get emotionally attached to any woman who didn’t meet those criteria.

These are my criteria. Yours might be quite different than mine. By listing mine I hope to encourage you to develop a list of your own. I think some firm criteria can help protect you from chasing after the wrong person or allowing them to win your heart as they pursue you.

1. A Genuine Spiritual Commitment. I mentioned earlier that after my divorce I experienced a conversion and became an active follower of Jesus Christ. I didn’t want to fall in love with someone who didn’t share my religious convictions. I didn’t want to have to argue about morality. I wanted someone who was on the same page I was on and was moving in the same spiritual direction.

2. A Healthy Family Life. I know there are many wonderful women out there who come from significantly dysfunctional family backgrounds. Many of them would make wonderful, loving, committed wives. But I had been burned by someone who came from an extremely dysfunctional family background. To me, a woman who grew up in a dysfunctional home posed a risk that I didn’t want to take. It was a decision I made for me. I wanted to be able to respect and have a strong relationship with the family of my future wife.

3. Ability to Function Responsibly. What do I mean by that? I wanted to marry someone who could be counted on to act responsibly even in stressful situations. I wanted someone who would measure their response to hardship. I wanted someone who would keep going when things got tough. Before falling in love with my wife I watched carefully how she responded to adversity and challenges in her life.  She attended college 500 miles away from home. While there she lived responsibly and didn’t go off the deep end. She wasn’t a party girl and she didn’t engage in behavior she’d later regret.

4. Able to Maintain Healthy Friendships. Someone who easily breaks off friendships and isn’t loyal to friends when challenges come into their relationship demonstrates a pattern of running away when things get tough. I figured that if my future wife knew how to be a good friend it would be easier for her to be a good wife. So I watched her friendships carefully. I listened as she shared some challenges in the friendship and watched as she would always work things out with her friends. What I saw in my wife, before I even fell in love with her, was that she was a true friend to her friends. She could be counted on and she’d work through problems that arose in the friendship.

5. A Habit of Finishing What She Started. Instinctively I knew that a person with a habit of walking away from projects before they were completed would be a risky choice for a mate. Someone who was either too lazy to finish a job or was too easily distracted by the next great thing might carry their attitude towards other areas of life into the marriage. I started looking for a woman who stuck with commitments until she completed what she promised. I didn’t want our marriage to end up in the scrap heap of unfinished projects.

Your criteria might be a lot different than my criteria. The point isn’t to imitate me exactly. Rather, the point is to think through what kind of person you should marry to have an “until death do us part” marriage. You need to know what you are looking for before you fall in love.

It might be harsh to say. But your list will weed out the undesirables before they get access to your heart. Some people just won’t make the grade. Now, after a divorce, is not a time to just settle. If you focus on your own journey of wholeness and health while learning to build healthy relationships you’ll find that wonderful men or women will be more attracted to you than you might imagine right now.

Today I am thankful that those criteria helped me find a wife who has stuck by my side despite facing our sharing of hardships and adversity together. Instead of quitting, we found solutions to our problems and resolved our conflicts. Things haven’t always been great but we’ve stuck together. There is a deep satisfaction and a deepening love that makes even the tough times in life more tolerable when you stay together no matter what.

Other posts in this series:

Starting Over – The Journey to Wholeness and Health

Starting Over – How I Learned to Build Healthy Relationships

by Chris Accardy

In an earlier post I wrote about my journey to wholeness and health after my divorce. Between the time my ex-wife left me in June 1987 and I started dating my wife in October 1991 I had to go through a healing process. That said, most people wouldn’t know I was busted up inside. Outwardly I was productive, happy, and positive. I think I was like most people who have experienced divorce. Outwardly we’re fine but inwardly we’ve got a big healing process to undergo.

One major life issue I discovered was the ability to build healthy relationships. Divorce brings a whole range of emotions and experiences into our lives that undermine our ability to relate to other people. These emotions and experience also can undermine our ability to relate to someone who might be a good future spouse for us.

As I reflect on my experience I realize how indebted I was to a number of people who helped me learn the art of building healthy relationships. I can’t claim credit for these insights. They were shared with me by a number of friends who wanted the best for me.

1. Build relationships that require trust. This is a big thing. Trust is foundational to a healthy relationship. One of the things I learned the hard way was to find trustworthy people to build friendships with.  Trustworthy people are people with boundaries, who do what they say they are going to do, and take minimal risks in life. In other words, they are safe people. After going through my divorce I didn’t need friends who were unpredictable and unstable. I avoided people like that.

2. Learn the art of listening. People empathize with you when you go through a divorce. Friends listen as you vent in anger or as you pour out your heart. The central thing in your life is your divorce and all that it entails. For a while I did the bulk of the talking with my closest friends. They listened. However, after a while I realized that they had stuff going on in their life. It was time for me to start listening to them and being a helpful presence in their lives. After a while I figured out that there is an art to listening. Hearing the words and understanding the logic behind them is not really listening. Listening is hearing the words and understanding them in light of the other person’s point of view and emotional situation. Learning to really hear a person and empathize with them helped me learn to build healthy relationships.

3. Be open and transparent. This was the one thing that took me the longest to learn about building relationships. There is a certain self-disclosure that is necessary to build a healthy relationship. But, as I worked through my woundedness, I didn’t want to talk about myself on certain levels. I wanted to guard myself from further heartbreak and disappointment. But the more I closed myself off to others the harder it was to build a meaningful relationship with them. I realized that the key to openness and transparence  was completing my journey to personal wholeness and health.

4. Defer gratification by keeping the long term in mind. What does this mean? I realized that I had to slow down and wait for the right relationship to come along. I was lonely. Being single again means not having regular sex. The touch that comes with physical intimacy was an intense desire I had. I wanted someone who really loved me and wanted to be with me because they liked me. It was hard to live in this frustrated state of not fulfilling sexual desires while I waited to see if a relationship would develop. I began to realize that it’s quite unhealthy to jump into bed with every woman I found attractive. In the end, I might get a few hours of what I craved but it wouldn’t be lasting. For me, sex without commitment was an empty hope. So once I got my life on track I didn’t have sexual intercourse again until my wedding night. You might think I’m crazy. But, sex with my present wife now is better than it ever was with my former wife. I just don’t buy the “you have to try it before you buy it” approach to marriage. I believe that sexual compatibility happens when two people who love each other come together and find ways to make sex pleasurable. For me, a life-long commitment before having sexual intercourse was an important long-term goal of mine. I can’t say that we didn’t struggle to keep that commitment. In many ways we limped across the finish line. But my present wife was still a virgin on our wedding night.  

5. Help others become better people. One of the biggest lessons in life I’ve learned so far is the importance of giving myself away to other people and seeking their good above my own. As I developed friendships toward the end of my healing process I discovered that when I helped them become better people they turned around and invested themselves in me. In fact, during the two years my wife and I were friends, she would hear positive things about me from mutual friends. I would hear good things about her as well. That just fueled the growing attraction we had for each other. Now, after sixteen years of marriage, I’ve discovered that the ability to sacrifice one’s own desires for the good of the other person is key to a great relationship. I don’t have to demand that my wife meet my needs. She meets them self-sacrificially. In turn, my wife doesn’t have to demand anything of me. I give what she needs self-sacrificially. We both benefit and are happy.

I hope this post is helpful to those of you who are looking to build healthy relationships after your divorce. There is a lot more I could say on the subject. If I could say two things to close: First, the above reflects my own experience. I hope you can learn from it. But don’t think that just doing what I did will enable you to build healthy relationships. Your situation might be more or less similar to mine. If you have real trouble figuring stuff out (I am gifted with a systematic thinking ability) then talk to friends or a counselor. Secondly, there are a lot of bumps along the way. Growth never happens quickly or in expected ways. Growth occurs in the long-term among the many unexpected twists and turns of life.

Other posts in this series:

Starting Over – The Journey to Wholeness and Health

Adapted from the book Starting Over

by Tom Whiteman

Most recovery systems end with acceptance, but in our dealings with victims of shattered relationships, we’ve realized that a sixth stage should be added. Perhaps if you’re dealing with death or disease (the subjects of early research into stages of recovery), the five stages will suffice, but a broken relationships requires some sort of resolution for the relationship.

Don’t get scared away by this. It doesn’t mean that the relationship gets put back together. It doesn’t necessarily mean that two former partners become friends again. But it does mean that they learn to release their animosity, and they eventually define a new relationship with healthy patterns and effective boundaries.

Three key questions will determine the nature of the forgiveness you offer:

1. How one-sided was the problem? Were you a rather innocent victim in the breakup, were you the villain, or were you both pretty nasty? This will determine whether you need to ask forgiveness as well as offer it.

2. Does the other person want to be forgiven? If so, then you can talk about the problems that occurred and ultimately let go of your resentment. If not, you can still “forgive” unilaterally – meaning that you refuse to let a grudge poison your own soul.

3. Is there an ongoing relationship of any kind? If you share custody of children, you’ll have to find a kind of coexistence with the person who broke your heart. Forgiveness can get you there. If you know you’ll see your ex around town, forgiveness can shield you from new wounds.

Many people carry the misconception that forgiveness involves making excuses for the offender. “That’s okay.” “No problem.” “Don’t worry about it.” But the truth is exactly the opposite. When you forgive someone, you’re saying that there is a problem that has to be dealt with. The other person did something wrong. Otherwise there’ be nothing to forgive. The forgiver says, “You wronged me, but I will not hate you for it.”

The offender may choose to accept your forgiveness or not – or might be starting a new life in Rio. That doesn’t matter. As we noted above, if you hold a grudge, you’ll only pollute your soul. When you offer forgiveness, you’re doing deep cleaning.

© 2001 by Thomas Whiteman and Randy Petersen

Others posts in this series:

Starting Over – My Story

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Denial)

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Anger)

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Bargaining)

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Depression)

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Acceptance)

To order a copy of the book Starting Over please call our customer care representative at 1-888-373-7478 (Monday-Friday 9am-4pm EST).

From the book Starting Over

by Tom Whiteman

That that is is that that is not is not is not that it it is.

You’ve just read the secret of stage five, acceptance. Huh? First, let’s punctuate that sentence.

That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is not that it? It is!

Acceptance is simply a matter of seeing the situation “that is.” You stop grabbing backward for some past relationship “that is not.” You’re finally able to convince yourself that you’re living in the present, free from the past, and you need to step forward into the future. Is not that it?

It is!

You don’t have to do much. Some people go through their recovery like a “to do” list, checking off stage by stage. Books like this are quick to offer tips – ways to keep moving along. But the acceptance stage defies all attempts to pin it down to pointers. It’s just seeing what’s there, as well as stopping the evasions of stages one to four.

In acceptance, you’ve stopped denying the loss of this relationship. You know it’s over.

In acceptance, you stop boiling in anger against the other person, against yourself, against others, or against God. Perhaps you realize that continuing anger does nothing to create justice; it just hurts you more.

In acceptance, you stop searching for quick fixes, bargains, and ways to go back in time. “If only I did…” “If only I could…” You realize the irrelevance of these hypotheticals.

In acceptance, you finally climb out of the depression that has imprisoned you. You’ve finished your time of mourning and you’re ready to greet a new day. You might still remain a wistful thought or choke back an occasional tear, but you recognize that good things await you in the future. No need to stay chained to the past.

Acceptance means moving on. You don’t have to say that your suffering was all right. Some people learn to say that they grew through the process, but you don’t have to. Your breakup and the following slide into depression might remain a black hole in your life, something you’d rather not think about. You don’t have to accept that it was good, just accept that it happened as a normal part of the recovery process and that you’ve lived to tell about it.

Acceptance means assimilating the experience into your life. It means understanding that the experience has changed you, that you are a somewhat different person. Not better, not worse, just different. It might be like that tough computer course you took at the community college, or like that peanut butter you spooned out of the jar yesterday. For good or ill, it’s now a part of you. The knowledge in your head, the fat cells on your hips, or the scars on your soul – you now go through live as a changed person. In the acceptance stage, you stop denying that, fighting it, or bemoaning it; you just realize it.

Acceptance means letting go of the pain. As we just said, it doesn’t mean forgetting about what happened, but it does mean refusing to let the pain of the past dominate your life in the future. Some people are actually reluctant to step forward into the acceptance stage because they’ve learned to lie their pain. They’ve been nursing their wounds in their own private depression, and perhaps they’ve gained pity from others. They’ve allowed their pain to define who they are. Joe becomes “Poor Joe … you know his wife left him.” “Poor Carol … she just fell in love with the wrong guy.” Pain can become so ingrained in your life that you can’t imagine any other way to live.

There’s a wise analogy from Africa about a monkey trap that merely consists of a banana in a jar. A monkey can reach into the jar and grab the banana, but the jar’s opening is too small for it to pull its hand out while holding the banana. Apparently, monkeys will go around for hours with that jar on their hands, unwilling to let go of the banana. People do the same thing, clinging to the problem that they say they want to get rid of. They simply don’t think they can let go.

But that’s often the solution to our suffering – merely letting go of it. Monkeys eventually get tired and give up the banana. The jar comes off, and the monkey is free to swing the trees in search of other bananas. Similarly, the acceptance stage usually comes when people get tired of holding on to their pain. They let go, and they start living life again.

© 2001 by Thomas Whiteman and Randy Peterson

Other posts in this series:

Starting Over – My Story

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Denial)

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Anger)

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Bargaining)

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Depression)

To order a copy of Tom Whiteman’s book Starting Over please call our customer care representative at 1-888-373-7478 (Monday-Friday 9am-4pm EST).

by Chris Accardy

I’m writing this the day after celebrating my 16^th wedding anniversary. I consider myself to be a very blessed man. After all I went through with my first wife, I have the joy and deep satisfaction of spending the rest of my life with an absolutely wonderful woman who is very good for me.

Sure we’ve had our challenges and rough spots. Yes, we’ve needed help at times when we’ve struggled. But all-in-all, things have been wonderful.

When I read the divorce statistics for second marriages  a deep sense of gratitude arises within me. Statistically, I should be a repeat customer to the Heartbreak Hotel. By now, if statistics determined my life, my second marriage would be over and I’d be jumping from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship.

I’ve often wondered what I might have done to help me avoid becoming another statistic. As I’ve pondered this question I’ve started to recognize six concrete actions I took after my divorce and as I was going through the healing process. I’ll share them here with you in hopes that it would get you thinking about how you can avoid becoming a relationship crash-and-burn statistic.

1. I got spiritually grounded. I grew up in a religious household that was very committed to the Christian faith. After my first wife left me I really struggled to find answers. I kept bumping up against the religion question. It was a question I didn’t really want to answer. But, in the aftermath of my grandfather’s death, I had a conversion experience and became a follower of Jesus Christ. I got involved in a healthy church environment. That spiritual grounding helped me become more rooted in something outside of myself. You might not believe me but I believe that God is active and working in my life in ways I never imagined before becoming a Christian.

2. I started looking at the world in new ways. Some of this was due to my conversion to Christianity. Another part of looking at the world in new ways was related to my own concern about my own world view. My world view – how I looked at the world and how I thought the world worked – had gotten me into trouble. It had led me into a dysfunctional relationship that ended in divorce. It had led me to struggle with excessive drinking and the “party life”. They say a definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I got tired of doing the same thing over and over. I knew I needed to change to get different results. I started critically examining every view I held and asked myself if there wasn’t an alternative view that would lead to better results.

3. I reconciled with my family. This sounds strange but I found this to be an important part toward becoming a healthy person. My father had been a strict disciplinarian and both my parents were emotionally distant. I was angry and bitter toward them over some parenting decisions they had made and a rift had developed. After reconciling with my parents and brother and developing a healthy relationship with them I found a great weight lifted off of me. My marriage (against their advice) and subsequent divorce had created some other issues that needed to be resolved as well.

4. Finding a new life direction. I was in the United States Air Force when I got divorced. My career choices at the time were to stay in the military or do my same job at a civilian airport. My divorce caused me to think about doing something different. There would have been nothing wrong if I had continued on my current career track. But starting college and thinking about a different career direction was a change that was good for me. It also kept me out of trouble. I was working nights at the Air Force Base, attended college full-time during the day, and was involved in church activities on the weekends. I didn’t have time to get in trouble.

5. I worked at becoming a healthy person. The temptation when going through the healing process from divorce is to let oneself go. I know some people who get obsessed with looking good and playing the field. In my opinion those people are living in a constant denial. Most of us seem to struggle as we move from bargaining into depression. It was hard at times but I fought through the temptation to succumb to depression when it came to my physical health. I felt lousy about what happened to me but I found ways to stay healthy. At one point, after I completed my enlistment, I was a lifeguard and hiking instructor at a summer camp in the White Mountains. During the winters I’d spend a lot of time playing pond hockey with co-workers and friends. I found ways to stay healthy. This kept my depression from becoming debilitating.

6. I found hobbies and interests that I enjoyed. After I got out of the Air Force I lived in the White Mountains and worked at a camp and conference center. One of my greatest joys was climbing mountains and riding horses. There’s something about being on top of the world and alone with a horse in nature. Another interest I developed was exploring new places and trying new things. These new experiences opened my eyes further to the world around me. I discovered that being single had its advantages. If I was married I couldn’t just decide to take off to spend a weekend in Montreal after I finished work on Friday.  If married I couldn’t stop by a friend’s place after work and help them fix their motorcycle.

So that’s it. That’s my list of stuff that helped me get through the healing process and become a man worthy of marriage. If I hadn’t pursued these things I think I would have been a dangerous person and would have ended up in a dysfunctional relationship. I’m certainly glad that I was able to grow in the aftermath of my divorce. The past sixteen years have made me even more thankful.

Adapted from the book Starting Over

by Tom Whiteman

Emotionally speaking, depression is an empty tank. You’ve grasped at the hopes and raged at injustice and suffered the pains of loss, and now you just close up. You’re not just sad; you’re swimming in a sea of sadness. Actually, the swimming would be too much effort. You are floating in that sea – maybe sinking. You have no energy. You have no hope.

Physical symptoms of depression include sleep disturbance, changed eating patterns (too much or to little), irritability, exhaustion, and susceptibility to illness. It seems like your body is falling apart, just like the rest of your life.

People will try to talk you out of depression. “Cheer up. Things can’t be that bad. Turn that frown upside down.” They mean well, but they just don’t get it. Depression is something you need to go through. You can’t past a smiley face on it and pretend it’s not there. You’ve suffered a major loss in your life, and you need to grieve for it. So, for a time, you’ll be too sad to get up in the morning. You’ll probably trudge through your workplace not really caring what gets done. Most likely, you’ll be hard to live with.

We need this depression to convince us that the relationship is finally over. There’s a logic to these recovery stages. First we deny that there’s a problem, or at least a serious problem, then we get mad at the other person as we begin to feel the pain. Bargaining is a lurch back toward denial as we try to make things all better. As long as we’re bargaining, we never quite grasp the finality of our loss. But as those false hope of the bargaining period fade, we sink into depression.

As with the other stages, problems occur when you stay too long in depression. People often remain depressed for about a year, but if you’re facing your second summer in the throes of depression, it’s time to talk a walk and breathe some fresh air. Honestly, many folks just seem to snap out of their depression one day as they realize they don’t need to mourn anymore.

But you can’t rush this stage either. If you try to snap out of depression before you’re ready, it won’t last. But when you’re ready, you need to take the risk of living again. Allow yourself to enjoy yourself.

Problems also occur when depression drags people deeper than they should go. If you’re suicidal, or if your lethargy is seriously affecting your work life or your family life, get professional help. Medications are available to fight the more serious symptoms of depression. Of course, some people in deep depression try “self-medication,” drinking heavily, taking non-prescribed drugs, or overdoing prescription medications. This is dangerous, and it tends to make depression worse. People with addictive personalities might also turn to addictive behaviors as an escape from their depression – gambling, pornography, overeating, shopping, or shoplifting. These might offer a temporary way to forget your problems, but they almost always make your situation worse.

Suggestions for getting through the depression stage?

Enjoy your sad mood for a while. Don’t feel guilty for feeing sad. You need to go through this.

Let your loved ones know you need to grieve for a year or so. Don’t let them sent you on a guilt trip. Beg their indulgence. But be careful how you behave toward those who care the most about you. You need them.

Watch out for addictive behavior. You know your greatest temptations, so guard against them. Ask your closest family members or friends to hold you accountable.

Monitor yourself or serious problems and be ready to get help. If you’re suicidal, unable to go through the basic functions of life, or are getting into some addictions, call a counselor. In fact, plan in advance what counselor you’ll see if things get bad. Have his or her number at hand. Later, when you need to make that call, you might not even have the energy to look up their number.

Adapted from material © 2001 by Thomas Whiteman and Randy Petersen

Other posts in this series:

Starting Over – My Story

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Denial)

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Anger)

Starting Over – The Healing Process (Bargaining)

To order a copy of Tom Whiteman’s book Starting Over please call our customer care representative at 1-888-373-7478 (Monday-Friday 9am-4pm EST).

Adapted from the book Sex & Love When You’re Single Again

by Tom Jones

Several years ago a divorced man came to me for counseling. He had experienced several broken romances since his divorce. It seemed that one way or another something would always go wrong for him in his relationships with women.

“It always seemed easier before,” he said.

“What do you mean ‘before’?” I asked.

“Before I got married. Back when I was a kid.”

I think he was right. As hard as it may have been back when we were kids, there are many ways in which it is a lot harder to understand our sexuality when suddenly we are single again.

One reason is that we have lost our innocence. As kids, we were completely naïve. Even if we had had a lot of physical sexual experience before marriage, we were still naïve about the depth and variety of meaning of our sexuality. Back in those days we had a fantasy world understanding of sexuality. Wel believed that somewhere “over the rainbow” we would meet that perfect someone and all things sexual would come together for us. In our youth we knew nothing at all about the hard work required to maintain the pleasure and satisfaction of an ongoing sexual relationship. We knew almost nothing of the need to develop the spiritual pleasures of sexuality. We really did believe in magic. The love songs and love stories had us convinced that sex was simple. Oh, sure, there would be problems, but our “love” would carry us through.

Divorced people know better. They have been there. They have had those dreams like everyone else, and they have learned the hard way that the real world never measures up to the dreams. They know that mere physical sexual privilege does not have the power to create bliss automatically. Thus, divorced persons are skeptical and cautious about sexuality. Maybe all that promised sexual bliss is really out there somewhere. But for the person who is single again, one thing is sure – it’s not automatic.

Losing youthful innocence is not the same thing as growing in wisdom and maturity. Just because we have learned that physical sexual activity alone is not enough to create that elusive bliss does not mean that we have learned much about what does create it. One of the saddest realities that I have seen in counseling with the divorced is the way in which people can repeat their mistakes in this regard

John used to come to our Fresh Start seminars frequently, but he never learned anything. The first time I met him he had been recently divorced. The next time I met him he had been recently divorced again. The third time he came to the seminar he was close to divorce number three. Each time he would take the elective “Single Sexuality.” John never seemed to learn that a meaningful relationship would require more than physical sex.

Again and again John would find a new woman friend. They would find their way into bed. Then it would not be long before John would be alone again. As John would pour out his confusion to me it was apparent that is problem was not on the physical level, but on the spiritual level. Physical matters seemed pretty natural for him and his lady friends. But why didn’t it ever work?

Once John and I sat at dinner and stalked about his struggle.

He asked his usual question, “Why don’t things every work out for me?”

“One of the reasons,” I responded, “is that you are trying to make physical sexual involvement carry the weight of a personal relationship. John, that will never work.”

“But that’s not what I intend to do,” he replied, “I’ve heard what you say about the importance of getting to know someone well and building a relationship of trust and sharing. I believe all of that stuff is really important.”

“Then why is it that you seem to land in bed so quickly with every woman you meet?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said. “It just seems so easy. I mean once we get close to each other … it just sort of … happens.”

I felt sorry for John. He was lonely. He was longing for a truly meaningful relationship with a woman, but he was almost entirely lacking in the skills necessary to build a true relationship. And he seemed to have no ability whatsoever to control is sexual impulses. Then he revealed what seemed to be the primary source of his trouble.

“What does it hurt, after all?” he asked. “If a man and a woman want to share an evening together and comfort each other in sexual ways … well, what’s really wrong with that? Who are they hurting? I mean, so long as they know that they’re safe.”

John had no clear moral standard. He was not sure what he believed or how he could go about deciding what he ought to believe. In his mind, if no one was getting hurt, what was wrong with his behavior? And why should he work hard to change?
John is by no means alone. Multitudes of single again people are attempting to struggle with their sexuality without any clear moral structure in their minds. They are disillusioned about sexuality and relationships in general, yet they are sexually mature adults whose hearts and bodies ache for the completion that their sexuality calls for. They often lack the skills to build solid personal relationships without becoming entangled in physical sexual involvements. And most important, they are not sure what they believe about sexual morality anyway.

My friend was right. It seemed easier before. But the persons who are single again cannot go back in time. The real questions of who and what we are as sexual beings must be asked. The answers must address the life issues faced by those whose stories I’ve told in this series of posts.

What do we say to Bill who did not recognize the extent of his weakness and vulnerability? He fell into a sexual involvement that violated his own moral convictions.

Debbie tried to faithfully walk with God and yet found herself suspected, shunned, and discarded by her church because her struggle created uneasiness for them. Does the church and her Christian friends owe her an apology? What advice would we give her?

What do we have to say to Sharon whose cruel mistreatment caused her to withdraw into isolation and sexual deviancy.

And how to we give direction to John who seems to be completely victimized by the sexual brainwashing of our society and the urgency of his passions?

I believe that the Bible has meaningful answers to important sexual questions. Christians are convinced the Bible was written by the power and direction of God himself. While you might not personally share this conviction, it might be worthwhile to consider some of the principles it gives for sexual expression and the reasoning behind those principles. I believe there are three principles of sexual conduct in the Bible that are desperately needed in our modern discussions about sex:

• God affirms the sacredness and goodness of human sexuality. God designed us to be sexual beings.
• There is high value to the standards of sexual behavior in the Bible both in helping us find fulfillment in our sexual pursuits and protecting us from being devastated by them.
• God is compassionate and merciful to those who have stumbled and fallen along the way.

© 1990 Fresh Start Seminars Inc

Note: During the week of June 15, 2009 we’ll be exploring various writings in the Bible that deal with sexuality.

Other posts in this series:
Single Again Sex & Love – Does Sex Have Any Meaning?
Single Again Sex & Love – Sex, Love and Commitment
Single Again Sex & Love – A Story of Rejection and Loss of Self-Worth
Single Again Sex & Love – A Story of Aloneness and Sexual Need
Single Again Sex & Love – A Story of Bitterness and Empty Relationships

To order a copy of Tom Jones’ book Sex & Love When You’re Single again please call our customer care representative at 1-888-373-7478 (Monday-Friday 9am-4pm EST).